Has been quite some time since last post. Now that school year is over, can return to more important things like blog. Pzw (Perfect zen woman) is officially perfect-mother of perfect-fifth grade graduate, apparently equivalent to receiver of doctorate, if amount of celebrating is any indication.
In between celebrations, ceremonies, class parties, pool parties, and performances, Pzw embarked on dreaded task of buying summer clothing items. Was searching for perfect pair of capris, ones that make Pzw look like slender supermodel-ish type that she is. Was surprised at variety of specialized capris available on market. Some are ”slimming,” some “take inches off of your waist” (joy! Pzw was only aware of dieting and lipo-suction methods), some give “perfect shape,” some make you “look up-to 3 inches taller” some are “perfect fit,” (did not see “imperfect fit” pair) and many identified as having “modern,” “classic,” or “comfort,” cuts. Was sure I had best pair when found one with “secret slimming panel.” So excited about finding secret capris, that Pzw casually checked to make sure no other shoppers, who were unaware of “secret” were looking, and stuffed capris under large pile of clothes in basket. Was very careful to guard secret capris for remainder of shopping. Pretty sure other shoppers never discovered secret, as Pzw made furtive glances over to secret-capri rack and never saw stampede headed in that direction. “Secret slimming panel” turned out to be so secret that even Pzw did not notice it when she tried capris on.
Sometime during shopping, realized that had cracked language code of clothing labels, which is now much more complicated than traditional “small, medium, large and extra large.” For instance, “classic” waist = “I am old and no longer care about current fashion, but will revert to style of my early 20s, and pretend fashion trends came to screeching halt back then. I am classy and stick to classics like martinis, Levis and record players, because I like the authentic crackling sound. At least I can squat to tie my shoes and not worry about exposing butt crack.” “Traditional” waist is same as “classic,” but indicates wearer has solid family values and has taken husband’s last name and plans to be buried in casket, not trendy cremation technique. Almost all “traditional” cut wearers have children, hence the moniker, “mom jeans.” “Low waist,” means stylish, which is a warning to all, because dreaded butt-crack will frequently be showing. Wearers of “low waist” are advised to check butt-crack view in mirror before purchasing. ”Modern” is same thing, except out-of-date term used so un-cool people will falsely believe they are cool. Large (excuse pun) risk/benefit that butt-crack will show in these as well.
Pzw also deciphered shoe language. Think we all know the basic, “stilletos,” “mules,” “clogs, “loafers,” and “strappy sandals” (sandals with straps, usually thin straps, often a lot of thin straps). However, know any shoe that says, “comfort,” “arch support,” or “hydro-kinetic soul technology,” means shoes are ugly, but wearer is old, feet hurt, probably suffer from plantar fasciitis and would prefer to walk, over appearing taller and thinner with dainty looking feet, which is not possible at this point, anyway.
Neither jeans nor shoe-label deciphering are in same league as “intimates,” which means bras and things to stuff thighs into (human thighs, not ”honey-sesame” chicken thighs, which are stuffed into purse, wrapped in napkin, of course) when attending a wedding or reunion. Bra section particularly overwhelming. For instance, there is abundance of positive adjectives on bra labels. Bras of “Wonder, ” “Miracle,” “Uplifting,” “Push Up,” (bigger and/or perkier),” “Minimizing,” ( smaller and droopier?), ”Sexy,” and “Amazing.” Mustn’t forget ”Magic Lift” (same as ‘push up’), “Genius” (not a group with low self-esteem, those bra-makers), ”No Surgery Add-A-Size” (Pzw is not making this up), “Elements of Bliss,” “Perfectly Smooth,” “Smooth” (but imperfect), “Perfect T-Shirt” (only type of clothing there is a perfect bra for, apparently), “Sexy Plunge,” “Custom Flex,” and ”All Over Comfort” (did not see “Just Some Areas Comfort”).
Some bras brag about hiding ”back fat” (gross, we all know exists, just see how looks from back and buy accordingly, please. Omit term from label), Pzw gets confused with pure-white chunk of animal fat (from ill-fitting cow bras?) referred to as “fat back,” that insane and clearly unhealthy shoppers pay money for at grocery store.
There are bras with “Invisible” Straps (aka, “strapless”), ones that are barely there (hopefully discounted?), as well as bras that provide ”18-Hours of Pure Comfort” (sharp stabbing pains begin as soon as 18 hours passes). Personal favorites are “Nostalgia Bra,” which must time-machine wearer back to youthful perky boob years, and “Never-Say-Never, Sweetie–Soft Bra,” which Pzw doesn’t even know what to say about.
In the end, Pzw purchased a bra called, “This is not a bra, bra.” Turned out to be disappointing, as is a bra. Might exchange for “Nostalgia Bra.”