Super Couponers and Spring Break Disasters

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Never one for the dramatic, but must admit to running up stairs in house on day after Easter, pumping fists in manner of Sly Stallone in Rocky.

Easter celebration successful despite un-spring weather and over-capacity crowd. Next morning, finding spoils of entertaining, including unopened bottles of wine, purchased by others, put Mona-Lisa-esque smile on Pzw’s face. On dark side, realized family enjoys causing stress for normally calm Pzw. Watching stressed host apparently better than trivial pursuit as holiday entertainment. Jealous nature an unfortunate characteristic in husband’s family.

Planned to enjoy quality zen time during spring break, only to have bubble of calmness burst by seemingly harmless scraps of paper known as, COUPONS. Coupons have long taunted Pzw with their mere existence. If Pzw feels guilty enough to face dreaded, “do later, or more likely, never” pile, hours are spent snipping and sorting, followed by composing coupon-coordinated grocery list. Next, must make it to store before coupons expire AND remember to bring coupons (plus give to cashier at checkout). Then spend rest of day in store, checking prices, nutritional info and matching correct brand, size and quantity to coupon instructions. Evil coupon people (ECP) do this on purpose, am sure they are related to “rebate” people, who dangle free money, knowing that only most organized and dedicated will successfully navigate through maze of detailed instructions to receive gift card in mail 10 months later.

Anyway, the other day, Pzw was wallowing happily in her zen place, when made the mistake of entering a grocery store. Immediately came upon member of radical group of overachieving women who participate in phenomena called “Super Couponing.” Super couponers (SCs) are professional braggers who enjoy bringing shame upon others. They are often found in pairs, huddled over mac-daddy three-ring-binders (complete with pockets and dividers). A chance encounter with an SC can drive a wedge through Pzw’s most perfectly balanced, positively energized day. No number of invisible daggers shot through backs during never-ending checkouts, will cause SCs to flinch or crush confidence. All energy is used to ensure cashier is ringing up complex couponing formulas correctly. SCs always purchase at least two and up to 50 of same item. Some items are inexplicably free for SCs. Eventually, cashier announces grand total of $4.68 for one cart.

Pzw wants to save more money than spends. Just once. But, it is zen to know one’s limitations, and Pzw knows that coupons are not, and never will be, her friends.

Zen tip: Do not enter grocery stores.

 

 

 

 

 

Hippity Hoppity Stress Is On Its Way

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Easter stress season is upon us. Once again, Pzw is hosting social event of the season. Despite many blog hints last year, family members did not get message regarding their attendance. In fact, even more people have accepted SARCASTICALLY (see end note) welcoming invites this year. Am considering leaving chicken salad/deviled eggs out a little too long, but probably tad drastic. Wouldn’t want anyone seriously hurt, just slightly nauseous, so as to leave unpleasant memories of event. Anyway, Easter entertaining keeps occurring, like groundhog day, and Mondays in Pzw house.

Each Monday evening, without fail, Husband loses his memory of all previous Mondays. One child has piano lesson on Monday and other child has dance lesson. Lessons overlap, so Husband is piano taxi and Pzw is dance taxi. This has been happening since early fall. Yet every Monday, without fail, Husband acts shocked when told it’s piano time.  Every Monday, when returns from piano, Husband calls Pzw and inquires as to her whereabouts. Every Monday, Pzw tells him that she is at dance lesson. Then he asks when she will be home (answer: when piano ends). And finally, what’s for dinner. Although Pzw wants to tell him where she will put his dinner, she uses great restraint, as always.Truth is, we all know there is nothing cooking in crockpot, simmering on stove, or warming in oven. Pzw has not been filing  secret “quick and healthy” recipes away inside her head.  So, she gives hints like “look in tin can in pantry,” or “check freezer for box with words ‘Lean Cuisine’ on it,”  to husband.  Intelligent husband finally clues in and miraculously regains memory. Then makes one of his three best (only) recipes: fried bologna, grilled cheese, eggs.

More household efficiency news: Pzw has new best friend! She is mother of Pzw’s daughter’s friend. Fabulous fun, smart, caring, great mom, honest, hard worker, etc., Oh yes, almost forgot. New friend still has Christmas decorations up. All decorations (except on mailbox, to avoid lien on house from neighborhood association)!  This is exciting time for Pzw. Always wanted friend with such socially unacceptable quality. Have begun thinking of excuses to go over to house for daily self-esteem boost.

One last note: Pzw knows that Jodi Arias is guilty. Last post was sarcasm. It makes Pzw sad that her readers do not recognize sarcasm. Perhaps we aren’t meant for each other after all.

 

Quality TV Programming in Eyes of Watcher

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Irritating husband thinks he is funny by mocking Pzw’s (Perfect Zen Woman) slight obsession with Jody Arias murder trial. She (Arias) is innocent young woman who was forced to brutally murder boyfriend after told her he was going out of town with another woman…or rather, after he attacked her and she feared for her life. Clearly case of self defense. Ms. Arias has been upfront about many lies she told regarding murder. Plus, she is attractive and well spoken, as are most people who unintentionally kill. Yes, shooting and multiple stabbings seem excessive, but she was clearly upset, which is probably why she can’t remember anything about murder or aftermath. Besides, Arias explained that cuts on her hand and other injuries happened during work, not killing of boyfriend.
Point is, this mockery is from man who watches suspenseful re-runs of baseball games. During football and baseball games that are CURRENTLY happening, husband pretends he is coach. He threatens and dispenses punishments (usually running for hours, beginning right after game ends, loss of pay, suspension or even immediate trading of player) to players who are not living up to expected performance of high income ball player. To be fair, husband does praise, jump and shout with joy when players meet or exceed expectations. Just a tad unnerving that Pzw is spending rest of life with man who thinks people on tv can hear him and will take direction from random man in sweatpants and holey t-shirt sitting on couch.
Perhaps more disturbing, is husband’s current favorite reality show, “Finding Bigfoot.” Show consists of group of people who have no spouses, kids, nor friends other than the few “squatchers,” who have spent the last 20-25 years searching for Big Foot, aka, Sasquatch. They research alleged sightings of “squatches,” and travel the US (maybe Canada)in search of them. Their leader is named “Bobo,” which, in itself, should end husband’s mockery of Pzw. The gang spends endless nights in woods with infrared goggles and various other contraptions, making bizarre sounding “squatch” calls and waiting for a squatch to appear. This is what intellectually-superior-acting husband clears his schedule for each week. Very suspenseful, like watching long-over baseball games. Husband on edge of his seat during each episode, wondering if this will be episode when huge furry man/ape walks out of forest.
Pzw feels completely justified being interested in woman who kills man. Accidentally.